


blinking against the blinding sunshine

by Arzani



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, possible ending, pre TI
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arzani/pseuds/Arzani
Summary: “He will wake, won't he?” John whispered, unable to look any longer without feeling dead inside. It was not right that James wasn’t growling at him for his stupidity. That, or just looking at him with his sad green eyes, asking him if he was okay. It was not right that he was lying there, unknowing of John’s feelings for him. That he had given his life with the belief that John didn’t want him. Didn’t need him. It was not right. Nothing was right. Nothing was…Getting Madi back had cost John more than he ever believed it would.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Now betaed by the wonderful [AngryPirateHusbands](http://www.angrypiratehusbands.tumblr.com/)

Being clean... John had never dreamt of how heavenly it would feel to be clean again. Yet here he was, finally bathed, dressed in new clothes and... _clean_. Clean and alive and utterly exhausted. The only thing he longed to do right now was sleep. Only that he couldn’t. At this point, he feared it to too great of an extend. Sleep. With what had happened the last few days, it was difficult enough to grasp at a single coherent thought, and so he clung to the bliss of being clean.

“John?” Despite the gentle voice, it startled him. He looked up from where he sat on the edge of a bed, his eyes wandering over the wooden walls of the simple hut to land on onyx eyes. They bore into his soul, touched him, and something welled up. Like a stone dropped into a pond, he felt the waves of emotions reverberate through him. With it came the tears, and so he sucked in a deep breath to hold them back.

Short of words, he just reached out and clutched the soft linen of Madi’s shirt. He grasped at it the same way a drowning man would hold onto a piece driftwood to keep himself afloat. They had finally returned to the Maroon camp. Though they were alive, they had lost everything – the war, the cache, Nassau. Yet Madi was here right next to him, miraculously, alive and breathing. And despite the mistakes he had made as of late, and of them there were plenty, she still allowed his touch.

He drowned in the depths of her eyes, in her beautiful face and her concerned expressions. Drowned in them, let them pull him down, until he couldn’t bear it anymore. His head dropped and Madi accepted it, the cry for touch, comfort, as she softly wrapped her arms around his back and soothed him with her warmth. She smelled of soap and citrus, sweet and complete. Familiar in her own way and it ached in his chest, it ached so much that the tears John had tried to hold back just spilled onto her neck.

It had cost them everything to save Madi. The plan of not trading the cache had failed, something both he and James had anticipated, but they had had to try. The trust between them... John chocked on dry air when he remembered the pressure placed on that trust. So much tension had filled the space between them, that he feared the fragile cord connecting them had finally snapped for good. Instead, James had first offered up the cache that was securely buried on Skeleton Island, as well as the map leading to it. Then he offered up the war he had sacrificed so much to win, and in the end… In the end he had been willing to give up himself.

Another strangled cry left John’s throat, the sound muffled by Madi’s dark, shimmering skin. He doubted he'd ever forget the scene that played again and again in front of his eyes, even in his sleep. It was as if he could still feel the sand beneath his boot, the wind that tousled up his dark strands of hair. It was as if he could taste the salt of the ocean and hear his own heartbeat speeding up.

_“There is only one way to save Nassau and it’s by bringing back civilization, finally, until the world realizes civilization is not what it needs.”_

Jack’s words had sounded loud and clear, as had his own revelation of the fact. Yet it wasn't until the moment James had stepped forward, head bent and offering himself, that John had snapped. When his head had finally, _finally_ , realized what his heart knew all along. That a life without James was as pointless as was a life without Madi.

He still wished it would be him who’d paid the price for his stupidity. But it was not. It was not…

“John,” Madi whispered again. Her fingers drew circles into his back, but it was hard to concentrate on the soothing touch. Instead he tilted his head just enough to see the body lying still on the bed, just a few inches from him. Fresh tears fell when he saw the way James’ eyes were closed, his upper body wrapped in bandages, and only the bare rise and fall of his chest indicating that he was still alive.

“He will wake, won't he?” John whispered, unable to look any longer without feeling dead inside. It was not right that James wasn’t growling at him for his stupidity. That, or just looking at him with his sad green eyes, asking him if he was okay. It was not right that he was lying there, unknowing of John’s feelings for him. That he had given his life with the belief that John didn’t want him. Didn’t need him. It was not right. Nothing was right. Nothing was…

“I’m sure he will.” Madi’s answer came too late to be spoken with conviction. It was too unsure to confirm her own belief in the words. It was just a nothingness for John to cling onto, and yet, it was all he could do. Cling onto it, like his own life depended on its truth. And maybe it did.

* * *

“You need to get out of here,” Madi demanded. It was a soft demand, spoken with a low voice, but it remained a demand nonetheless. As a person designed to rule, she knew how to make her point without raising her voice and John was aware of it. He knew a command when he heard one, but it didn’t mean he would act on it. Not like this. He just couldn’t.

“I come down for dinner,” he said, his voice matching hers, but it lacked the conviction she had possesed in speaking. There was a lot lacking in him these days. His joyous laughter, the glinting sparkle in his eyes when he schemed something, or just his everlasting grin. Instead he was dull, sitting at James’ bed for weeks now, keeping him alive without him being able to live. It was maddening. He knew it must be.

“Please, John,” she added and it was nothing short of a plea. The desperate tone made him tilt his head into her direction and he squinted his eyes at the light coming in from behind her through the door and windows. It illuminated the hut, the spare furniture, the dusty ground and the few belongings that didn’t seem in place. Life was missing in this particular hut, life was abandoning him.

“You still look beautiful even when you’re miserable,” John whispered. Even though he didn’t know why he had said it, it was true. The way Madi’s body shone like coal, her onyx eyes looking at him, it all was breathtaking. She wore simple clothes, colorful and airy in a way that emphasized where she came from and what she was. Her hair was tied back, giving him a good view of her face, which was wearing a frown. It was mixed with irritation, desperation. When was the last time he had kissed her properly?

“This is not… like you,” she stuttered, a flush creeping up her neck no matter the situation. The sentence was left unfinished, the words stuck in her throat. Instead she closed the distance between them and knelt before him. Their fingers intertwined, as his other hand was intertwined with James’. Her gaze was still desperate as she looked up at him, but something was gone. Something pleading was gone, and had been replaced with something sad.

“I’m sorry I neglect you.” John’s voice was low, as he lifted their hand, both their hands, to caress her cheek. Three weeks had passed since they had landed at the Maroon Island, lost and defeated. Three weeks in which they had counted the deaths, had cared for the injured, had tried to reestablish life. Three weeks in which James had not once opened his eyes.

“John,” she murmured, leaning into the touch, “It’s not about neglect. I just…”

It wasn’t necessary for her to finish her words, wasn’t necessary to hear it out loud. John knew what Madi wanted to say. It was written in the concern she wore, in the worry carved into her expressions and in the way she held his hand in hers. One day James would either wake up or stop breathing. He was already losing weight, the muscles dwindling. James was dying, but John couldn’t accept it. Not yet.

“I’ll come down for dinner,” he repeated and it sounded final. He knew it sounded hollow and dead, but he needed time. They all needed time. Giving Madi another squeeze with his hand, she sighed, accepting his words and stood. Leaning over, she first gave him a kiss on the cheek, and then James. It was so soft that it made John almost cry. But he was lost on tears since days. As if the world didn’t grant him even this simple sign of vulnerability. Instead he watched her leave, taking the little hope she always brought with her. He couldn’t say it was fair, but he also didn’t know how to act differently. He just wished things were different. He wished James would wake up.

* * *

John had come down for dinner, as he had promised, but Madi had sensed that he wasn’t feeling well in the company of so many people. Most on Maroon Island, be it former slaves or former pirates, still hadn’t forgotten that it had been him who had insisted to trade the cash for her and therefore let go of the war. She understood their resentment, but she also understood John. It was visible in the way he refused to leave the captain’s side, how far he would go for people he loved. And he loved her, Madi knew.

She also knew John loved James. And she knew James loved John. If the way James had stood with her at the beach, hoping, waiting, clinging to the possibility that John was in that last boat, hadn’t proved it, it was the state he was in now. Or rather what had gotten him into it.

When Jack Rackham had declared it necessary to kill Flint to gain the trust of the Guthrie family in Philadelphia, John had lashed out. He had attacked Rackham, for James had been willing to give his life freely. For the sake of John and Madi, all of them. She still couldn’t wrap her head around it fully, as she hadn’t been present. Only one thing she knew for certain, and it was that no one shoved the other out of the way and take the lash themselves. No one had cared enough to, except for James. She knew James cared. He had always. And he had taken the blow that had been meant for John, ensuring his life while risking his own.

Madi sighed and shifted on the stool John had sat on just hours before. Her gaze wandered over the motionless figure in front of her. The ginger hair had grown back out over the time, ragged and uneven, but it was there. The beard was carefully trimmed down, to make it easier to feed him. It was a messy thing to do and usually something John demanded to do in private. It was hard enough to watch the once strong and notorious captain lie lifeless, but it was even harder to see what was needed to keep him alive. He was pale, and every freckle on his face stood out, emphasized by the white around it.

Clutching his hand, Madi leaned forward and buried her face in his chest, using her free arm as a support. Careful to not touch his wounds, even though they had mostly healed, she took a deep breath through her nose and something tightened in her stomach when she realized how much of his scent was gone.

Suddenly tears spilled from her eyes and she was glad she had made John sleep, for once, in a real bed again. He shouldn’t see the mess she had become. Once Madi had promised to be there for John, to drag him back to life when he would be consumed by Flint’s darkness. How utterly she had failed him. Still she failed him, with every passing second. No matter this wasn’t the darkness she had anticipated back then, it was still a darkness that consumed her love. Perhaps it was even worse, because there was no protection against it.

“Please, captain, please, he needs you. Please come back,” she chocked, unable to drag air into her lungs and then gave up. What did it matter, that she pleaded and begged when she wasn’t heard? Closing her eyes, she let the tears slip out under her lids, trying to compose herself but failing completely. Without James, their driving force was missing, and everything had crumbled. She had never seen it, until now. Had never seen that it had been James who had driven them forward, that it had been him holding the pieces together. This war had worked, the resistance had worked, because his keen mind had made plans and John had been able to motivate the people to work towards that end. His believes, his trust, his sheer force of will, it all had melted them together, for the common cause. But now? Now, salves were still slaves, in chains or hidden from the world. Pirates were still pirates, hanging from the gallows or running from civilization and she, she wept. Wept for all that was lost.

It had started the day her father had died, and since then she had the feeling that she was losing people further and further. And she shed a tear for everyone she had lost. They were too many to count. Too many to ever stop crying. If rain could pour down on her loss it wouldn’t be enough.

The feeling in her limps became dull after a while, her mind zooming out. She wasn’t even aware whether she still was crying or whether everything was numb. The light dwindled until it was pitch black in the hut. Only some streaks of moonlight made it in through the windows. There was no energy left in her bones to stand up and light a lamp. She wished she could just sleep away, find some rest, but there was no way to let her mind become silent. Not with all the emotions swimming in her head and not when she had promised John to watch over James. Instead of sleeping, she was drifting in a state between consciousness and dreaming, too close to the abyss to wonder why she even started to feel a squeeze at her hand. If it only was true. She desired it to her inner core to be true.

Tears started to spill again, telling her she had indeed stopped crying for a while. She hadn’t noticed, and was so wrapped in the loss of her own senses, that she didn’t realize the soothing hush reaching her ear, until her hand was squeezed another time.

Without thinking she jerked upwards, whimpering at the shot of pain which rushed down her back. For a moment, there was only blackness dancing in front of her eyes and not because it was dark in the hut. Then she blinked it away, focusing on the face before her. Her breath stopped when she saw green shimmering eyes looking at her. There was exhaustion in them, vulnerability, confusion, but god they were open. Open, and real and James was looking at her!

“Madi.” The voice reached her, hoarse, dry, begging for some water, but familiar in a way that it made her heart break into a thousand pieces, before something could put it back together. Something about the green of his eyes and the rawness of his voice... it fixed all of her, left her whole.

“Captain! James, oh god,” she managed to get out, before she flung herself onto him, her arms wrapped around his frame to hold him close. No matter the number of tears she had shed before, there was still space for more, but this time they didn’t sting. This time they washed away the grief and the fear and the pain.

When she felt his own arms wrap around her back she shattered. They felt heavy on her, as if he didn’t have the strength to keep them lifted, and it probably was the case. It didn’t matter. It was alright. Nothing mattered except the fact that James was awake!

“What’s going… on?” James rasped and it pulled her back to reality. She had to call John. She had to tell him, make sure he came here and saw James. Tell him. Tell him everything. Finally tell James about his love for him.

“Don’t worry. It’s alright. Everything is alright again,” Madi said, trying to cope with the situation. When she felt James shift under her, she straightened again, helping him to sit up a little. His gaze followed her movements and she saw his eyelids flutter. This was already too much for him and a sudden fear gripped her, that James would just fall back asleep and not wake up again. A grimace flashed over her face and it was followed by James lifting his hand to touch her cheek. It only lasted for a second before his hand dropped back onto the sheets.

“How long?” he asked, voice cracking with the dryness of his throat and Madi realized that the first thing to do was to get him some water. Leaning over to him, she kissed the corner of his mouth, both to reassure him and stop him from talking. Tender irritation flashed over James’ face, but he closed his mouth again that had opened for another, probably the same question. Red strands had fallen into his face and she pushed them aside, before she stood up.

“I’ll get some water and John. Then we’ll explain everything,” she said in a clam voice, finding her grace again. Now, as everything would be alright, she felt as if she were back on both feet. “Rest! I’m not far.”

A nod followed her request and she crossed the room to a trunk, got a lamp and lit it. It was bright at first, but then the soft shimmer was easy on the eye. Candles followed, to take the darkness from the hut. Suddenly everything felt so much more vivid. It was as if the darkness had already vanished from James simply being back awake. As if he were the cause of the light. Her smile over the thought came almost effortlessly. No one would have been able to convince her about this truth some weeks ago, but here she was, feeling the easiness of having James’ presence strengthen her.

With soft steps, she moved to a close-by table where she kept a carafe and some mugs. Filling one with water, she made sure to not pour too much into it. James would have problems with even holding so much and she didn’t want him to spill water all over himself. When she was back at the chair her one hand steadied James’ head, as the other held the mug. He took slow sips, neither of them needing to talk in this moment. There was a mutual understanding between them, some bond that had formed way back before all this had happened. It was as if they were closer than ever and Madi suddenly understood the longing John must feel. It was there, somewhere in her stomach. But it would need another day to act on it.

Before she left the hut to get John, she refilled the mug and placed it close by on the chair, in lack of a nightstand or similar. She wasn’t sure if James would be able to drink on his own, but he still thanked her silently. She gave him a kiss on the forehead, onyx eyes gleaming brightly as she hurried out of the hut. She couldn’t feel the ground under her feet, feeling more like floating with happiness.

* * *

James didn’t have to wait long before Madi returned to him. To be honest, he barely had time to wrap his head around what had actually happened, before she returned. His mind was still foggy, but he tossed the pieces of memory round and round until they seemed to fall into place. There had been Jack wanting him dead, and James remembered the guilt in his eyes clearly. He had talked about what it would mean for Nassau and their safety. James remembered how he had looked back at John, imagining him with Madi, happy and alive, and he knew he had decided that in this version of happiness Flint was no longer needed.

And then? Then it was as if time itself had stopped, only to suddenly leap forward with doubled speed. He recalled John screaming no, drawing his sword, no matter he was at a disadvantage in the sand with his crutch. His black curls flew as he jerked forward, lashing out and iron shattered against iron. James remembered himself acting without his own accord, his body just moving. When John fell, Jack over him, desperate, he gripped the wrist of the man he loved most and pushed him aside. What followed next was pain, pure, mind-blowing pain until everything went dark.

His mind was still working to process all of it, when he heard a sound coming from the door. The thumping of a crutch sent his heart-beat racing, the adrenaline erasing the exhaustion that had tried to consume him. John…

Trying to push himself up even more, James pressed his elbows into the mattress under him. Every muscle trembled at the effort, but he wanted to have a better look. It was in the middle of his useless trying that he caught sight of the bluest eyes he’d ever seen and stilled.

Everything stilled in that moment. His heartbeat slowed down, his breath hitched and stuck in his lung for a tiny eternity. The sounds silenced and nothing mattered other than those blue eyes staring at him, the face they belonged to, so wonderful and familiar, no matter every expression was like it was set in marvel, framed by a messy bunch of black locks. John wore some dark trousers and a linen shirt only, rumpled like he had them just thrown on in a rush. He was barefoot even, and the most beautiful person James had ever seen.

Then his muscles gave out under the pressure, his arms buckled under the weight and he fell back with a groan. Before he could even make the attempt to get back up, thumping and rushed footsteps were heard. Next came the sound of the crutch crashing onto the floor as those strong arms slung around his neck. A scent like the wide, open sea filled his nostrils when James buried his face in the black strands, closing his eyes while relief washed over him. He couldn’t pinpoint why, but something in his chest, a pressure, was suddenly gone.

“I’m so sorry, James, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Please, please forgive me. I’m sorry,” was audible through the heavy sobs that filled the hut and James pressed John even closer, feeling tears at his neck, so similar to Madi’s just some moments before. The fog in his mind didn’t allow him to wrap his head around why everyone was crying over him, him out of all people, but he accepted it. It was so easy to accept it and be grateful, it surprised himself.

“John,” he said and his voice still cracked, sounding hoarser than it should be allowed. At the sound, John finally pushed himself a little off him, half lying on his chest, uncaring of the world. His elbows were placed just over James’ shoulders, the position giving him enough space to trace James’ jaw, which sent waves of tingles through him. There was so much more James wanted to say, but each and every thought got stuck in his throat at the blue eyes looking at him with a mix of worry and unconditional love. It struck home, deep down somewhere in his soul.

“I thought I lost you,” John managed to say eventually, after they just looked at each other and James chocked, trying to gulp down a lump. The words had sounded desperate, the grief swinging in every syllable. How could James have left him to such grief, when he knew how John suffered? When he knew what loss felt like? No matter James had believed he wouldn’t create such a reaction from John. Not when the man had just found his love again, had found Madi again. It seemed James had a knack to find people who needed more than just one person in their life.

“I’m here,” he answered, because it was the only thing he could bring himself to say. It was hard for James to form any coherent thought, the exhaustion pulling at every fiber and the time to process not nearly enough.

“Yes, yes, you are.” John suddenly laughed, and it sounded exhausted and pained and hopeful all at once. The fingers that had caressed his face stopped, instead digging into his skin, at the end of his jaw, close to his ears. It didn’t hurt, but it grounded him to the spot, when John added. “Never leave me again!”

“John…,” James exhaled, unable to process the words, the feelings that rushed through him. A smile tugged at his lips, when he pressed the man on top of him even closer, using the last bit of strength he had left. Giving into the pressure, John dropped his head, resting their foreheads together. “Never.”

The warmth of John’s body, the exhaustion, the dissipating tension finally managed to cause James’ eyelids to flutter shut. A part of him didn’t want to sleep off just again. He knew he had slept far too long, had worried John and Madi alike, no matter he didn’t know how long exactly long was. But he lost the fight and drifted back to sleep, yet a part of him remained awake. It wasn’t the deep darkness he was sucked into and before he fell asleep he was aware he would wake up again tomorrow.

Tears on his skin accompanied him through the night, a body pressed flush on his, a blanket thrown over their bodies and a hand sneaking in his, holding his, intertwining their fingers. Two people watched over him: One a force, unconditional and strong, the other gentle and soft. They both held their rights in his life, and they were the first he saw the next morning, when he opened his eyes, blinking against the blinding sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

> I love comments. Ramble with me on [tumblr](http://www.arzani92.tumblr.com/) <3


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